"Anyone who doubts the possibility of falling in love with a house - with all that implies of fast-beating heart, sweaty palms, and waiting for the phone to ring - just hasn't met the right one yet."
This is how Marjorie Garber starts chapter one of her book, Sex And Real Estate: The House As Beloved - Falling In Love With A House.
It's been almost a month since I first found out about this book, and my delay in reading it and writing about it has nothing to do with the book itself. In fact, the Introduction she writes to this book is worth the price of the book. There is more meat in the pages she used to lay out the foundation for her topic than is contained in the entire contents of other texts. You could buy this book, read just the introduction, and instantly have a more accurate and rounded understanding of the psychology of "home." But you'd be making a mistake.
The Beauty Of Her Writing
I'll talk about the lessons to be learned in a minute, but first I want to address the beauty of her writing. In this first chapter she uses cultural references that bring her points to life. She uses the study of the conversations in novels and feature films to punctuate her declarations and illustrate the humanizing aspects of the language we use to describe houses. This language, common in these art forms, brings to life the reality of house as lover. In this first chapter she uses references to:
- Living Together: Independence Day
- Love at first sight: Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, The Money Pit
- Misplaced Love: Pride And Prejudice
- The house as spouse: Housesitter
- When love goes wrong: The War Of The Roses
Living Together
Garber rightly points out that, "Realtors and house agents often find themselves functioning as therapists, psychologists, and marriage counselors." The process of searching for a house brings forth questions similar to those we ask before we truly commit in a relationship. " Is this where I want to spend the rest of my life? Is this who I want to spend it with?" The answers can be both positive and negative.
Understanding that questioning is an important part of understanding the buyer side of the equation. The questions that the buying process bring to bear in their personal lives can be monumental. This is one of the reasons why buying a house is such a stressful experience. The questions the process forces us to ask can be more than we're ready to answer.
Love At First Sight
I'm going to spend the rest of my time on this segment of the chapter. it is the largest segment. The others are very well done, but love at first sight is the dominant force that drives the other points in this chapter.
On a personal note, I've experienced both the exhilarating side and painful side of falling in love at first sight. I have fallen in love with more women than I care to admit. Each time it has been powerful and overwhelming. But only once has it endured. The power is no less concrete in the real estate transaction. As a real estate agent, you have a responsibility to your seller to maximize the dominance of this emotion in the way you present homes. And on the buyer side, you have a responsibility to protect them from it's dangers.
Protecting Buyers From Their Emotions
- "Sometimes a buyer is infatuated with a house even before he walks through the threshold," reports a real estate columnist, who hastens to reassure her readers that "there's nothing inherently wrong with feeling passion for a particular property." More than 50 percent of all buyers experience such overwhelming desire, according to an expert in the field."
- "I've seen people fall in love with a home that wasn't right for them," says the former president of the National Association of REALTORS®.
- "If you bond emotionally to a property, you're in danger of making a blunder from which you cannot recover," cautions a broker for a national chain.
It seems to me that one of the key benefits a buyer's agent can bring to the table is the wisdom of an objective third party perspective. They are there to protect the "suitor" from what Freud called, "the overestimation of the object." Like a good friend who warns you to take your time with a torrid new relationship, a good buyer's agent becomes the voice of reason, the best friend who's not afraid to tell you the truth about your new girlfriend.
But "as painful as love can be, lack of emotion can be a sign that there is something wrong with you." Buyers agents should also learn to recognize when it may NOT be the houses that are the problem, but the client themselves. If, after a long search, the client still can't find a house to fall in love with, there may be other issues getting in the way.
Using Emotions To The Benefit Of Your Sellers
If you're selling my home, I want you to make sure you do everything in your power to make as many people as possible fall in love with my home. I understand that there may be dangers on the buyer side, but that's why they have their own representative. I want you to flirt with the buyer, lure them in. I want you to stage my property (put on nice makeup). I want you to make sure lots of people see it (take it to the dance). And I want you to use evocative language to describe it (make sure everyone at the dance get's more than just information, I want fanfare). "As one buyer confessed, 'The reality is you fall in love with it (the property) first, then figure it (the price) out later."
"Hit the prospect at every emotional level," counsels Ruth Simon in Forbes Magazine. Why? Because buying a home is not about information - the number of bedrooms, bathrooms, or square feet a home possesses. It's about relationship. We want to fall in love with the house. We need to fall in love with the house. This chapter illustrates the many reasons why.
Next up, Chapter Two: The House As Mother - The House Loves Us
Jeff Turner aka respres
Very nicely done Jeff, hubba hubba, and so very true. I have seen the look of lust pass across a buyers face as they walked into the home they would purchase, nothing on God's green earth is going to keep them from buying that home at that point.
this is a sincere reply, not a wink wink or anything playful.I am totally blown away...you write to captivate the audience- you really need to write a book ! I will be checking hourly for part 2 as I am a loving mom that knows unconditional aspects will be revealed in your lesson. Youre style is a breath of fresh air- you truly hit the nerve we all want recognized and you do it with such...style.
My experience is that if I can reveal the emotional side of my buyers - I can find the right home. Same goes for sellers- isnt it so much smoother when the connection is there and trust is the glue that keeps the relationship stable ?
We are therapists, teachers, counselors, et al but maybe what is more importantl is the strength of our shoulders when they need to lean on us.
Jeff:
Sounds like a pretty good book, and I am looking forward to part two. I might even go and pick up my own copy!
I really enjoyed this blog and can't wait for the next one. So much of this is so true and sometimes reading something like this makes you rethink how to handle things. Thanks a lot for writing this.
Jeff.
You (or Marjorie Garber) bring up an interesting point that I've found myself answering on more than one occasion. Clients will often call and ask me for my opinion about the house they are buying. As a mortgage broker I try not to get involved with the selection or the decison making of the buyers new home. Heck, I've never even seen the house, so why are they asking me? However, this question highlights a lack of confidence in either the buyers own decision or the advice being given by the realtor that represents them.
Did they fall in love with the wrong house? Am I (the numbers guy) supposed to be their objective voice of reason. I can't say for sure, but clearly there's a distinct blurring of the lines between emotions to buy and logical reasons to buy.
Thanks for the post, I'll have to check out the book..
Martin
Martin:
Excellent point. Mortgage brokers are often looked to as the "voice of reason". I have learned one thing about giving advice to someone who is in love; it's best to stay out of it. smile, and be happy for them. When they talk about the costs of financing their love interest, it is usually...just find me a way to get into the home!
Ahhhh Jeff I love it...beautifully written! We sell lifestyles...they need to feel the house to call it home. Emotions...lust...all play a huge role. Lifestyle and needs...where are they on Maslow's hierarchy of needs... we need to know so we can really help them?? A good buyer's agent becomes the voice of reason and a book of knowledge.
A sellers agent?? You need to make the house feel like a home...build the lifestyle...put on your make-up and dress up...so true Jeff. Great post.Jeff: I love this post.. Houses do have personalities.. some make you feel wonderful and some not so good.. I have listed homes with every bell and whistle you can mention that sit without offers for months.. while others.. who seem a bit of the plain Jane.. have people frantically competing with each other to be the one to win them.. Some houses just feel like home .. many have a great facade but no heart.. while others have great bones and just need a little make-up to make them into great beauties..
I've always thought that buying a home and getting married have much in common.. You must be willing to make a commitment for the long term and adjustments along the way..
Jeff - thank you for this post. I just witnessed and shared a disappointment with a buyer this morning. They waited a week to offer on a home they loved because they hadn't expected to find it so soon. Up until that moment I had been regarded as perhaps a necessity in their search as their buyer's agent. Then this unique home surfaced and got loads of attention. It took them a week to talk the inlaws into accepting the fact that their grandchild wouldn't be raised down the street but instead 45 minutes away. So they offered a really fair price -- I can say they did not get carried away because the home really was about 20K overpriced...a competing offer is likely to have been very near list price. But now they are kicking themselves for not offering a week ago. So I have my counselor hat on sharing that this summer they are likely to be enjoying their new home and telling themselves that they are glad things worked out as they did. And it is a learning experience too in that next time they like a home they'll likely respond sooner. They seem to be in a period of mourning and can't stomach any new listings I am prepared to send them. Somehow I think they need a day off and then slowly they will talk themselves into continuing their search. It is as if they have suffered a break up. In search of the right words for them..... - your post helps.
Jeff - thanks for bringing this book to our attention. You have a wonderful way with words. I think there are a lot of emotions going on with both the buyer and with the seller. I agree that a good buyer's agent can do a lot to assist the buyer in not overreacting emotionally. Often this has to do with prepartion going into the homebuyer process. They when the buyer gets emotionally overwhelmed, you can go over the buyer's objectives and bring the buyer back to reality.
On the other side of the coin, I want to assist the buyer in making the seller "fall in love" with the buyer. Often the buyers will write a short biography about themselves. Some buyers also include photos of their children. Many times the sellers have an emotional attachment to the home. They want to sell to someone they feel they have a relationship with -- someone who will take care of their home, appreciate their home and be a good neighbor.
I am looking forward to chapter 2.
Thanks
A thoughtful treatise inspired by what sounds like a marvelous book. It is on the list. I, too, have had the experience of falling in love with a house (our beach house back on Cape Cod) and enjoying a 7 year affair before we decided to part ways. There were many tears of sadness, but som manyh fond memories. I have had several buyers who clearly were in love within seconds upon walking in their dream home...but I think it is actually rather rare these days.
Good job, Jeff
Jeff
Jeff,
Thanks for the post. Brilliantly written! As engaging as ........love at first sight. Alas, Mr. Dowler, those connections at first sight are still be experienced. The muddling through the inventory, may require a longer trek, but it is still happening.
Laurie Manny, thanks for... well, you know.
Michelle Connors, while I am flattered and blushing, it's a heck of a lot easier to write a good review of a good book, than a good review of a bad book. As for me, I can't wait to write about chapter 2! The concepts of mother, nurturer are powerful. "There is no place like home" for one very good reason... mom.
Martin, I thought your comment needed a broader discussion. So I wrote this post as an answer.
Mr. Brady, see above. :)
Monika, Kaye, Leigh, Kaushik and Sharon... I'm probably projecting a bit, but I think this emotion is extremely prevalent. The more we understand it, the better.
Mary, great real life story. I've been there myself, several times. Keep them away from the knife drawer.
Joan, "I want to assist the buyer in making the seller "fall in love" with the buyer." That would make a great post. I hope you will write it.
Jeff & William, having met both of you, I'm quite sure you'd both love it in it's full context.
Reserved Parking for TLW...ROAR!
:)
Leigh is right....when submitting offers I ask the buyers to write a personal letter to the seller noting their love for the home and how they see themselves living as the current owners do in the home..etc..children in the fenced yard, kitchen layout for gatherings etc...a little about the buyers (hook)
It adds the connection seller has w/ the home and makes for better negotiating in my experiences.
( line and sinker)
Jeff, the idea is to personalize an offer with a cover letter. This may be a NC thing as we are always trying to be personable!
What we do is present an offer with a cover letter about the buyers or written by the buyers explaining why we are making an offer to purchase.. To put a human element to the business side of it allows for the sellers to "feel' a sense of connection with the buyer or some similarity to their lives. It works..
I like to think of it as a sort of phenomenological sex, all the fun and excitement, without the mess, we hope.
I have seen men who have a love hate relationship with the basement, and women who despise the attic, and all extremes in between...
It takes you, Jeff, to put it in perspective.
Great post.
Jeff i only have one thing to say to you, Goldberg!!!! dude Goldberg
Jeff,
You are on target, my man... It's all about the emotion... Good job!
Thanks
"Living Together." (above)..and your acccompanying graphic combined say it all, for me.
Like Leigh and Michele, I often include handwritten notes from buyers to sellers or vice versa and find happy outcomes and more meaningful relationships as a result.
BTW...Any plans to make a collection of your quotes...?
Lily...
I rather doubt Mrs Hubba will appreciate you :)
I know I don't. LOL. I don't dare click enjoy more. LOL.
Go ahead Hubba. After you delete her you can delete me. I couldn't resist.
TLW...ROAR!
great blog and more importantly thanks for sharing the name of the book, I'm going to have to read it!
Cheers,
Uzi Husain
Arizona Realtor, serving Goodyear & The Phoenix metropolitan area
Love is a house.
John In Benson