Reading Randy Prothero's post, Is There A Skunk In Your Office, which I was lead to by TLW's comment on The Interactive Business Meeting, I kept thinking about the way my wife and I are raising our children. This all starts at home.
I wish I could say the following was my idea, but it was my wife's idea.
My wife came to me when our second son was very young and said, "I don't like the idea of bad words. I think it makes it too easy for us not to take responsibility. Words aren't good or bad, it's how we use them and react to them that give them their power. Can we do something different with our children?" I obviously agreed with her assessment, words are just words. We assign them power.
In Our House There Are No Bad Words, Only Strong Words.
With that innocent conversation, the concept of "strong words" was born. There are lots of words on our strong word list, many of them would not even be considered "bad" words in other households. Words like "always" and "never" are on the strong words list. It's not that they can't say them, they just have to understand how to use them correctly. Words like "hate," "stupid," and "shut up" are on the list as well. Again, using them requires accuracy and you must be able to back up your use. They know that if we say "hate" in a sentence, it's strong, and we mean it. The same goes for "stupid" and many other strong words. Changing from "bad" to "strong" has helped us focus the discussions on intent and meaning and purpose. We have taken the power from the words and put it in our children's hands. It's been wonderful. In addition, the strong words conversations that we are able to initiate have changed the way we talk as adults, not only in our house, but in our daily lives as well.
We recently added "I Promise" To The Strong Words List
In fact, "I promise" was given one of our harshest labels... it's on the "Turner's Don't Say That" list along with the word "can't." Why? Because we shouldn't have to say "I promise." If we say what we mean and mean what we say, it's at best redundant. They are not allowed to ask us if "we promise" and they are not allowed to say "I promise." Not in our house. Not in our earshot. The lesson is simple... if you say it, you mean it. Period. There is no need to "promise" something if you've said it. If we, as parents, say it, we don't need to promise. We mean it.
Strong Words & The Code Of Ethics
Randy's post this morning brought to mind a lot of recent posts on Understanding The Realtor Code of Ethics, and as I've read each one I am both happy that the code is there and sad that it must exist at all. I can only imagine that some of you feel the same way. Perhaps you're like me and are increasingly alarmed with the decline of solid manners, ethical standards and general morals in our youth. Well, they are learning them from us.
I Have No Idea How Our Little Experiment Is Going To Turn Out
Our oldest is only 12 and our other five chilren range in age from 2 to 7, so it's way too early to tell how the "strong words" experiment is going to end. I know it has made my language clearer and more explicit. I was given a little glimpse this morning at the breakfast table, however. Our Three year old was joking with his Grandmother, who is out visiting from West Virginia. She playfully said, "Oh, shut up" to him. He then politely said to her, "Gramma, you know that's a strong word, right?"
My mom laughed and apologized. She knows the drill. I was giggling to myself as I watched the scene unfold. But I was also hopeful that my kids will grow up with a full understanding about how they use words, the importance of saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and a strong desire to see others live up to their own standards. I have hope that they won't need to read a code of ethics to follow them.
If you've got some techniques you use with your kids, I'd love to hear them.
Jeff Turner aka respres
That's funny...when people say, " I hate that!"..I say, hate is a strong word...Do you really hate it or do you dislike it?
Scott
Jeff, I think this is one of the BEST parenting tips I've read in a long time. Words really do only have the power we assign to them. I think "I promise" should only be used when you REALLY mean it. Not just as a passification measure. "Can't" I reserve for the list of things that are impossible to do. I simply can't travel faster than the speed of light...
The post reflects well on your morals and I'm sure that your kids are going to grow up well! We have three kids 22 (almost 23...yikes), 15 and 12. I'm proud to say that they are my kids.
Scott... it was that kind of thing that led to this!
Chris... thank you very much. We love how it allows us to focus our conversations. It's easier to engage them in the "why?"
Leslie... swear words are on the strong words list as well. We also classify some of them as "strong adult words." My wife wrote a post about that on her blog when one of our kids overheard another kid saying "assball." Here is how she handled the conversation. We try to take the focus off of the word and put it on intent and meaning.
Six kids, Jeff, goodness! I can think of another "don't say" (or maybe don't do) for you!:) Anyway, I agree, "promise" should be implied. Another one I have even more issue with is "honestly". If anyone starts a sentence with that word they imply any sentence they don't start with that word might not actually be honest.
As for promising, the only time I like to use that word is in stating my long-standing client service motto: "underpromise, overdeliver".
So you mean when I have kids I can do my own experiments? yoo hoooo I'll start with "will it float".. ok,ok, sorry to be silly.. i didn't mean to bring this bomb of a post down. It deserves much more seriousness.
I like the comment "if you say it, you mean it. Period." If more people would go by this,.. well no point in fantasizing. Your kids will be at the top of the integrity pile.. and I will be implement this when I have a few little ones of my own. Thanks for bringing us into your home.
Sometimes I think that I was the only one.. but you said it/posted it first... "Perhaps you're like me and are increasingly alarmed with the decline of solid manners, ethical standards and general morals in our youth. "
I'm glad you dared me to read this.. "Mr Stare into my screen"..
Jeff. I love your post! I always believed words are powerful and in many cases...while sticks and stones break our bones...words however can kill. Empty words words... with no meanings...so hurtful.
One of my strong words is "I'm sorry"...people use it all the time and never mean it. I think your children will grow up understanding the power of words and that is really special.
Thanks for this thought provoking post!
We have 3 kids - ages 10, 5 and 3. We've taught them that they shouldn't use words if they don't know what the word means. If they use a word that they "shouldn't" use (addmitedly, it may be a word they heard from us, but it also seems they're learning these words at school...) we ask them, "What does that word mean?" If they can't give an answer, we remind them not to say words they don't know the meaning of. usually, that's the end of the conversation. But, sometimes, we go into detail about a particular word and why they shouldn't use it.
So far, it works. Though I'm sure we'll have to adjust this as they get older!
Yes, 6 kids, Gabriel. Trust me, I can think of a few don't do items as well! We're on the same page.
Nick, one of the great things about having kids is being able to do things your way. We're pretty focused on that. Often it puts what we're doing in direct conflict with what others are doing. But, they're our kids. We're responsible for how they turn out. My wife's insistence that we not only focus on behavior, but intent, has been pretty powerful. She's an amazing woman.
Monika, "I'm sorry" is another of our pet peeves. See my wife's post on "Sorry Just Aint Good Enough!" : )
Jeff, I loved this post, not just because you gave me a plug, but because I llove the way you and your wife teach the use of words to your children. Great job!
I hope you don't mind if we ultilize your ideas in our home. Thank you.
Aloha to all have a Hauoli Makahiki Hou (Happy New Year in Hawaiian)
One of my pet peeves is when someone says: "Can I be honest with you?" I usually think: What have you been doing up to now." or "To tell you the truth.." I answer, " Is everything else a lie?"
Words aren't good or bad, it's how we use them and react to them that give them their power. So true!
I have the greatest admiration for you and your wife and how you are raising strong children.
This is must reading for all!
www.HomeRome.com
Baltimore,Md
You wow me every time!! You'd be surprised to hear that I was brought up that way. The statement " I promise" is not in my vocabulary nor in my kids'. It's redundant....if your word is worth something, "I promise" is not necessary, it is understood. It is so refreshing to hear what you do with your kids and how this applies to our lives as professionals.
My latest lesson is to let my children pick their own punishment when they have broken rules. It teaches me how important the rule is to them without having to let them explain it. My 12 and 10 year olds just washed the windows in my whole house yesterday because they broke a Christmas collectable after throwing a medicine ball inside the house. Thank you Jeff for sharing - I like your style.
Moni said the additional phrase I thought of; sorry doesn't cut it except on rare ocaisions. I don't have kids, so how can I share my experience on this? Well, I taught high school students. Every place I ever taught or substitute taught, one of the biggest offenses a student could make, according the 'the authorities,' was to swear, which of course usually meant the F word. No surprise there! I felt this way; if I was going to send a student to the ofc every time they swore, we'd have no one in class and no one would learn. Now I got in trouble for this on many ocaisions but I never changed my policy. If a student added 'you' after the F word, we had a discussion and the next time, they went to the office. Do you see how counterproductive it all was? Instead, I took this approach: I made it a point to talk to students one on one and try to explain the advantages of saving harsh words for times when they REALLY meant it. Sometims students would say to me: okay, give me another phrase lol. Sometimes I could come up with one :-) And who was I to say don't ever say the F word, if their parents were using it every day at home!
Your approach is so much better from a parental standpoint, to teach a rich vocabulary; which helps them better communicate; and which might make them all the more successful in life. Now I do have to add this; I have a card, given to me, with a saloon (pub) in England and the pub is called: And the horse you rode in on :-) See, it's much better without even saying it!
"Real-A-Jeff aka Jeff Turner"
Okay. You got me serious again. We did something similar to this when our Sons were growing up. This should go from 'experiment' status to a way of life. Children need to understand, as a very early age, that what they say matters to everyone that hears them speak. Words matter whether they are strong or soft. :)
One of the things I did with our Sons was the 'Word A Week Game'. Every week our Sons and I would sit down and pick a word from the dictionary and use it once a day for a week. Sometimes we would use them several times. :) This taught our Sons all about words and the power that lies behind them. It also challenged their mind to use hard words in appropriate sentences. I started this with them when they were only 8 years old. I didn't stop until they were 15. By that time our Sons could have a conversation using nothing but 10 letter words. :)
Okay, there's my contribution to <If you've got some techniques you use with your kids, I'd love to hear them>
I could give you many more of these examples but I probably should not be writing a Blog on your post. SVW. :)
P.S. Broker Bryant (my husband) was the example setter. I was the teacher. :) This seemed to work for us. For anyone that does not know us, we have 30 year old identical twin boys and 5 Grand Children. All is well with our little family. Grand Kids are learning new words everyday. :)
Can I be dismissed to go goof off now? SVW. Wink! Wink!
I am checking out (good way of putting that) with passion as my human test. How appropriate is that when it comes to children? Very. :)
TLW "The Lovely Wife"...Teach The Children About Universal Law (karma). Teach It To Them Well. ROAR!
Everyone, thank you for your comments so far. I'd like to specifically return comment on a few...
Kaushik... I believe sarcasm excuses everything. I need to check the rule book, but I believe that is correct.
Randy... Aloha to you as well. My Uncle is a Realtor in Honolulu, you may have run into him... his name is Noble Turner. If you do run into him, please say hello from me!
Linda... I'm very well aware. Our kids all go to public schools. Crap is the appropriate strong word to use.
Margaret... to be honest with you, that's one of my pet peeves as well.
Ines... I'm going to give that one a try with my 12 year old the next time he gets in trouble. The problem with him is that he rarely gets in trouble. Worries me a bit that he's so well behaved now! What am I in for?
Carole... our schools aren't prepared to teach values. It's simply too easy to address the symptom and do nothing about the problem. The curse words aren't the problem... you recognize that.
TLW... I like the word of the week idea. My kids already make fun of me... "Mom, why does dad always use such big words with us?" You know the answer! : ) Please go goof off now!
I have always had a strong distaste for the word stupid. Nevr liked it. You can call me anything you want, call me stupid and you won't have to worry about calling me again.
Great thoughts. Thanks.
To me I have always believed in "Say what you mean... mean what you say". I too am bugged by all the honestly's, hates's, and seriously's.
I really liked your post. I don't have children yet. I have been dreaming about it for years. Everyday I see situations and wonder, do I agree with that? will I handle the situation like that? what was positive or negative about what I just encountered. You have given me one more thing to think about. And use.
I have bookmarked this post. How long do bookmarks last? :)
Kudos to you Jeff!! This is my favorite post yet. I have a 7 yr old and a 10 yr old and they (I hope) are understanding the importance words can hold. I am going to steal your "strong words" list idea to post on our refrigerator.
"Stupid" has never been allowed in our home because is it sooo overused by young children who do not understand what it means and/or how much it hurts. Our rule of thumb has been, if you say a word you have to be able to explain it. If it is a word you don't know then ask. We have explained many colorful words this way!!!
Jeff, I believe your little "experiment" will turn out just fine!! Thanks for the post.
Debi... I still play that game, by the way. We even play it with out kids. When we go out to eat and see a child acting in a way we know our kids would recognize as "not making a good decision," we'll ask them, "how do you think we would handle that situation?" It's amazing how accurate their comments are!
Donna... love it! I can imagine we'll be saying the same things when our kids our 30. I hope we are so lucky!
Virginia... thanks for the encouragement. I think you'll like how using the word strong will help you focus your conversations around use. I didn't expect it to have the long term impact it's had for us.
Jeff, I'm not lying, I seriously can't remember ever reading a post that was so good. Never! I hate it when someone uses words they don't understand. It is so stupid! I promise you that I will never talk like that. If I do, feel free to tell me to shut up! :)
I have waaaaaaaay to much time on my hands.
"<I have waaaaaaaay to much time on my hands.>" Yup. SVW...TLW...ROAR!
wow.. i think there is a hint of sarcasm in the air. Jeff, to be honest with you,. I can finally relate!
Bryant, you continue to amaze me. I hope to express it better someday.
Nick, I have learned one thing for sure in my short time here on ActiveRain, it's that Broker Bryant and The Lovely Wife can ALWAYS be counted on! They will not let us down! IMHO it is not really an official post until one or both of them chime in with a comment that leads to a humorous angle. So, given that logic, it took 30 comments before this post became official. It came after it was given a star, which is highly unusual. That may be a new restraint record. I'm going to go back and look to be sure. SVW
Warning: It is quite possible that this is a hijack attempt. Be alert.
"<That may be a new restraint record.>"
"<Warning: It is quite possible that this is a hijack attempt. Be alert.>"
LMAO...Any one want to join me in Cuba? I hear they have great cigars that go very well with some sipping Jack. SVW.
TLW...ROAR!
Jeff ~ you have shared some outstanding ideas for raising kids. I've often felt that saying "I promise" or as Margaret said, "Honestly now" it has a negative connotation. Like maybe there is a possibility that you won't do something you said you would do and you must promise to do it!
Talking to kids about this is so wise. I wish I could turn the clocks back..I did ok, but with the wisdom I gain each day I could do so much better now!
Why don't those cute, cuddly little things come with an "operations manual?"
kk
Kristal... I'm glad they don't make you take a test first, 'cause I would have failed. It's all trial and error and I can assure you I'm making plenty of my own kinds of mistakes!!!
Whenever I see an agent ad that starts out, "I'm honest...." I unfortunately think the opposite.
It's so much more satisfying to label someone with a ten letter word that is extremely descriptive than a four letter one that is lazy.
Kudos to you and your wife - and six more upstanding human beings.
Jeff-
There is a lot to say to this post, so here we go... First, I loved it! We have very similar rules for our kids (ages 3 and 11)- words that "should" not be said. They are quite good at correcting themselves when they "slip" - the hardest one seems to be "I can't..." I taught the them that "I can't" probably just means "I don't want to..." and that not wanting to do something is fine and acceptable, but should not be masked in "I can't" I really like how you laid it out, using the "Strong Words" - it makes so much sense! I also like what Ines does "Choose your own punishment" - they are usually harsher on themselves than I would be...
Regarding the Code of Ethics, (thank you for the link :) ) and I agree 100%. Every time I read/write about them, I think to myself, "WHO needed to be told THIS? It is common sense..." I do not want to get mad but I agree, "...I am both happy that the code is there and sad that it must exist at all."
Thank you for a truly thought provoking post. I always enjoys what and how you write, and look forward to more...
(p.s. TLW- Efface- To rub out, remove. "Someday when we all learn how to raise children into upstanding citizens, the need for a formal COE will be effaced." :)
Jeff,
Happy holidays to you and yours. Thanks for the post. Great tips for developing interpersonal communication in children. Some adults could use a dose or two of this measure.
"Butterfly aka Mariana"...I liked it. Excellent. That will suffice. :) TLW...ROAR!
Bingo=Checking out (good way of putting that) with Passion. SVW.
Dear Jeff,
I am older than you are so my upbringing was maybe somewhat different due to the era. But my beloved "daddy" did much the same thing you are doing with your children now. Daddy put a much emphasis not only on words and how we would use them, but "giving your word" period. Say what you mean and mean what you say. To my daddy, who was a constructal engineer his word and or a hand shake was his contract. Why?, well daddy said, "You are born with only one thing, Your Name. Make sure that you never do anything that will bring shame or sorrow to it. You can spend a life time building your reputation, but it only takes one act or misused word to ruin it all."
I have always remembered that. Although I have been told that I can be a tough business woman, I am also told that I am always fair, honest and ethical. That makes me feel like I have lived up to what my daddy taught me and to his honor as well.
I believe in words. I have been on the lecture circuit for many years, and I do agree with you, that words certainly have power. If only people could understand that just one small word can change the way people respond to you or what you are trying to do for them. As a Realtor we must all remember when we deal with anyone what we say is the way they will always remember us.
Thanks for the good read. Have a most wonderful day.
Roberta Lee
Century 21 Olde Tyme
Norco, CA
Bookmarked! I have a two year old who is challenging my patience daily and a 6 month old who watches her every move. I am going to save and implement this idea-it's just powerful, plain and simple. On another note, I am awed that you have survived six children and haven't killed them yourself. Just awed. =)
Jeff, too many comments for me to go through them all, so I hope I am not repeating any thing. I did not use the strong word approach with my two boys, but if I had thought of it I would have. What was instilled in them from day one, was do not say you are going to do something unless you really are.
It was the same way with disciplining them, when I said it they new it was going to happen, no idle threats.
One last one, from day one my wife and I decided that what ever they did was not going to be funny when they were older, then it wasn't going to be funny when they were babies. You can't accept something and then try to change it years latter, it doesn't work, just don't accept it to begin with.
For me parents need to do the things that they control the right way to begin with, there will be plenty of things that they will not be able to control later, to also have to try to change the ones that should have never been allowed to begin with.
Great advice!
I pinky promise to follow it!
Jeff, I love your style. You can write a book about childrearing any day and I'll snatch it up in a heartbeat. I'm sure Craig Schiller would help you with a cover. Seriously though I'm a big proponant of unconditional parenting and treating your children as equals who deserve respect. I love the concept of strong words and now will be using it with my children.
We don't ever force 'please or thank you' and my daughter says them more than any other 2 year old I know. She is more inclined to say them to me than to a complete stranger, but who wouldn't be?
Jeff,
I read a fabulous book on ethics that pointed out that most times ethical situations involve right vs. right more than right vs. wrong. The strongest category being "Truth vs. Loyalty".
Over the years it seems to me that sometimes loyalty to one another, or friendship with one another, can get in the way of representing a client well. When a line must be drawn, it seems you have to lean toward your client more than your "fellow Realtor". At present I am not a Realtor...just a disclosure...not an indictment :)
''I have the greatest admiration for you and your wife and how you are raising strong children. This is must reading for all!'' The above was my comment on 12/26th and am so glad you were nominated by me. Everyone should read this and share it with others!
Congratulations Jeff, on having one of the best posts in Active Rain's first year!
http://www.homerome.com/
Baltimore,Md
Hey. Hey. Slammed it right out of the park. Here this is for you:
CONGRATULATIONS FROM BROKER BRYANT AND THE LOVELY WIFE. I AM SMILING VERY WIDE FOR YOU. ROAR!
Margaret, I can't thank you enough for your nod. This one just flew out my fingers. I had not planned to write a post this day. Truly, it's an honor and I'm proud. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
TLW... for all of your support, thank you as well!
I am back. These were not ready earlier.
Michelle... thank you. It's been a while since I read this post. I was reminded of it by a comment Sarah Cooper made on my post today, so I wandered over here and realized I missed a few comments. :) The experiment seems to be working, but it's still too early to tell!
Very interesting, Jeff, and LOTS of merit. As I was reading through this, I was thinking of forwarding it to my sons, both of whom are parents to see if it's something they might want to adapt. Thanks for sharing this concept!
Margaret... what I like best about our approach is that it initiates very interesting conversations around word meaning and useage. And it gives them permission to talk about words they hear thrown around at school. Regardless of how it turns out, the process is way more enjoyable for me personally. :)
Jeff, Superbly written post with meaningful content. Thanks for sharing. Mike
WOW! You have a LOT of kids!
My mom had the strong word list too. In addition our strong words included limiting words that would make someone think they couldn't do something. We were supposed to set an example and not put ourselves down (I'm so stupid! How could I do ithat!) In addition, instead of screaming, "NO!" We traded items. We used encouraging language to instill belief and confidence. My little brother never went through the terrible 2's. He was a lovely child and grew up to be an even better man.
When he was 7 he went to stay with my aunt because my mom was very sick. The neighbors little girl had cancer and he would go and sit with her and keep her company and help her with anything she needed. My aunt was in an accident when he was there and she told me about how comforting he was to her even when she was crabby from the pain and how he offered to get thing for her and help her. He's a kind person and I think the words we used helped to create the person he is.
I commented on this post over 3 years ago. Just as timely today as back in 2006. Would like to revive this one for the newer members.
Margaret